I've been trying to feel inspired to post for several days. And the inspiration just isn't there. I don't even know what to write. I wanted to update several days ago. I promised that I would. And somehow... I could not find the inclination to sit down and type.
What should I type? What do I have to say? What am I feeling? Questions, questions, questions...
I wish I could tell you all that I've gotten back on track, but I haven't. I wish I could tell you that I've lost 10 pounds since my last update, but I haven't. I wish I could tell you that I felt optimistic about losing weight, but I can't. All I feel right now is blah, blah, blah.
I know I've got to get back on track. I've got to. But why do I keep eating and eating and eating and getting fatter and fatter and fatter? I was doing so well. And now this... this awful, deep, dark funk that I've fallen into and can't seem to get out of.
Am I going to be fat forever? Should I just accept it and keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best? No... I cannot accept it. I don't want to be fat forever! I want to be normal. I want to know what it's like to live life in a normal-sized body. I don't want food to control my life anymore.
Why does food control my life? I've been asking myself that question a lot these past few weeks. And I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Why do I think about food constantly? Why has eating become my favorite activity? Why can't I just eat like a normal person? Why is food the first thing on my mind in the morning when I wake up and the last thing on my mind at night when I go to bed? Even when I am doing well and losing weight... what I am going to eat is still the one thing that I'm constantly thinking about.
I am addicted to food... the same way an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, the same way a drug addict is addicted to drugs, the same way a chain smoker is addicted to nicotine. Food is doing something for me that it was never meant to do. It is filling some other void in my life besides my body's need for sustenance. I turn to food for everything. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm lonely, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. I just eat and eat and eat.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live my life constantly gaining and losing weight, constantly thinking about food.
How can I do so well for 11 months and then suddenly fall off the wagon so badly??? I not only fell off the wagon... I feel like after I fell off the wagon I rolled into a ditch... and now the ditch is filling up with water. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this ditch. But I know that I have to. I have got to get up out of this ditch and back on that wagon!
I haven't weighed myself for weeks now. I don't know how much I weigh. But I know I've gained a lot of weight. My clothes are all tight. I feel miserable in my own skin. I can't stand to look in the mirror. I feel so out of shape, so freaking fat and ugly and disgusting.
I don't know what to do to get out of this funk. I haven't been at a normal weight since I was three years old. I have lost and regained weight so many times I can't even count them all. I haven't been under 300 pounds in 11 years. I have SO much freaking weight to lose I don't even know where to begin.
But... I do know what I need to do. I need to eat right and exercise. I know what to do... but I just don't know why I can't seem to do it lately.
Sometimes I wonder why food has such a strong, powerful hold on me. I had a great childhood. I had a wonderful family and home life. I did well in school. We lived in a nice house. My parents loved each other. I can't blame my childhood for my weight problem.
The only thing I can think of is that when I was growing up it seems like a lot of family members died. My grandparents all died, several uncles died, someone was always dying. And when someone died... people brought food to our house. And there was always a meal after the funerals. Did I somehow learn to think that food was a comfort? That food was the answer when one was feeling blue? Did food make me feel better when the world around me was full of grief and pain? Did food become a friend to me that would never die, that would never go away, that would always be there for me... no matter what?
I honestly don't know. But that is the only explanation that even remotely seems to make sense to me.
I'm trying to start over. I'm trying to get a grip on all this and move forward. I'm trying very hard to not give up. And boy, oh boy, am I struggling. But maybe posting this today will help. Maybe just getting all this out in the open and venting will get the ball rolling in the right direction. I hope so. I really do.
38 comments:
I'm so glad you posted. You've been on my mind and I was hoping that things were going your way. (is that weird since I don't know you?) You'll get there, you'll get back on track. Believe in yourself!
Good for you for asking the questions about your relationship with food and how it evolved. That's a really brave step. It's something that I'm trying to do too. Although I'm SO new to this weight loss journey, I did just pick up a book that is really eye opening for me. It's called Women Food and God, and it's about getting to the root of your relationship with food. It might be a good thing to pick up. Good luck!!! You can DO this! The only failure is in quitting altogether, which we all know you're not going to do.
(On a side note, I'm doing a giveaway on my blog for the book:
http://patienceprogressperseverance.blogspot.com/
You can do it. The first step was writing that post. You are doing so well, and you can get back to that place and do EVEN better. I believe in you. Maybe it'd be better to take stock of the damage and make an action plan? I know when I fall off the wagon it's because I don't have specific goals or that I don't know exactly what I weigh, so I just kind of float around, eating everything I possibly can (for some unexplainable reason). You will do this, you will succeed :) Just take it one day, heck, one MEAL at a time. One decision.
Great post :) I too have struggled with constantly thinking about food, I thought I was addicted, like an alcoholic or a drug addict. For me though I think if i really think about it I was stalling. What I mean by that is food is a great way to NOT have to get on with "it" and by it I mean.... anything really.
I could stall feelings of inadiquicy for a moment when I was eating, I caould put off chores or the walk I really needed... after all I was busy. I could say no to those things that caused me anxiety like going new places because I was fat... even the after effects of my stalling had their purpose i.e I am fat therefore I cant.
Its a very interesting thing the human mind and the why and why nots of things. All I know is the problem.... the solution is for me not to stall.
You can do this :) YOU CAN DO THIS.... :) *hugs*
You haven't given up sweetie! You are still reaching out here and that matters when we're feeling all alone. Keep fighting! Keep fighting! Keep fighting!
(((you're special!)))
I am so proud of you for making this post. It feels like something I could have written. When I was 6 years old, my grandmother lived only several blocks from us. For some reason, after a weekend visit I was encouraged to move in with her. I stayed over five years and in those five years I learned that if I was upset, I needed a fudgecicle. If I was bored I needed several hot dogs. If company came by I was shown around, because I was so cute and chubby, which sent me back to the fridge. Yep, I learned to equate food with solving emotional problems that a 70 year old grandma couldn't relate to. We know what we need to do, the hard part is doing it. My suggestion? Weigh yourself and shock yourself back into your healthy routine. You can do it. I hate to exercise more than anyone in the world. But I'm making myself do it and always shake my head in disbelief because I feel so much better afterward. Come on, grab the straps on those cute little boots and pull yourself back up. After all we're the only ones who can do it. I hope you know this is all said with love, life is so hard and we're in it together. xoxo
It is WORTH it and so are YOU! I don't claim to know how to get you out of your funk but I do know that you don't want to live like this and you want to enjoy life.
In all honesty, I suggest you get on the scale TODAY and take it for what it is. You can't avoid it forever... Once you get that out of the way - you can start mapping out how you are going to get the scale moving back down again. YOU know what to do and you NEED to do it for yourself first and foremost but also for your family and friends.
You can do this hon, you just gotta jump back in.
Hi CC,
It sounds like you are trying to make sense of a lot of different things. It seems as though you might even be close to a break through. These are the couple things I wanted to say though. 1) first the hardest part of change realizing it is neccessary, and I congratulate you for coming thus far. 2) Have you heard of the "habit a week" plan to losing weight... this might be a good place for you to start. Lyn was doing it a while back http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/ 3) This was a good post, from a favorite blog of mine that might help you with that "breakthrough" http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2010/04/19/one-change-at-a-time/
Best Wishes... we (your fans) are rooting for you!
HUGS CC!! You are normal. And I am convinced the issue behind our food addiction is NOT just emotional. If you haven't read The End of Overeating, you really must. It explains how the components in certain foods ARE addicting, DO act on our brains and cause us to just want to eat and eat and eat. I have SO been there. I still fight. But knowing, understanding that it not because I am defective somehow, has helped me and I think would help you tremendously.
Hang in there, and you know you can write me anytime. I always check on you... one of my "oldest" blogging buddies! I care :)
Today, do ONE thing that will help you in your efforts. Just one, it can be anything, cook a healthy meal, go for a walk, anything - just one.
It will make you feel better.
Hugs.
I'd like to send you an amazing book that has blown the socks off of me -- and it's spoken to me. It's called Women, Food and God by Geneene Roth. I at first didn't want to read it because I thought it was going to be religious based. Totally not.
I bought some etsy stuff from you and if you'd like email me and I'd be happy to send you a copy of this book.
I am with you. Let's do this together. I have 240 to lose and I just entered treatment.
I have been checking your blog every day waiting for your return. Your words today could have been posted by me - except you did it much better!
I realised this morning that I have probably never been the same weight for 2 weeks running - always up or down - more likely up and up again. I feel sorry for anyone with a drug or alcohol problem and would never begin to imagine what they go through - but you can't give up food! That is the rub and that is what makes this journey so tricky. If I could talk to myself at 13 I would say accept that your body will change and please DO NOT DIET - just eat when you are hungry and stop comparing yourself to other people! That poor girl put herself through agonies of starving and binging and now a woman of 44 is still doing the same.
Let's not give up - let's exercise a little each day - let's try to eat 5 portions of fruit and veg, drink water and not go to bed feeling stuffed - just for one week to start with, let's act like a normal person for one week - then another and then another - they say after 21 days a habit begins to form.
I am thinking of you in your struggle and wish you every success.
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I agree with you that some of us use food like a drug. I wonder if you have ever considered weight loss surgery? I had a lap band put in in February. I basically felt like it was my only option - that I couldn't get better without surgery. Lap bands and other types of WLS are not a magic solution, but they are a really powerful tool. I firmly believe that diets do not work and in fact increase food obsession. For me, the solution is learning to trust myself with food. I strive to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. I eat all foods in moderation. Feel free to email me privately if you want more information amandakiska@yahoo.com . You can do this!
I'm not sure whether this will help but pop over and look at my last few posts about 'Forever.' In particular find the bit about fat, old ladies I think under the heading Forever and ever.....
Last year you were one of my inspirational people. You still are and I feel so sad to see you struggling.
Each time I go into a bad place the only way out has been reading on-line Weight Loss Journals until I finally am inspired to begin again.
These days my reading list is far too long because I've been adding from the HYC list almost every week. I've come across some real gems and discovered myself in so many of them.
You don't want to give up or you wouldn't have posted but I do understand the feeling. There are times when it doesn't seem worth the effort and why not stay overweight or fat or obese and just learn to live with it!
There are so many reasons to change the way we live ... not the least is health and being comfortable in our bodies and movement.
Keep journalling. The whyfores will pop out, sometimes unexpectedly.
You really need to get back into reading and journalling and let the rest happen as it will.
I hope to see you here again within the week. *smile* That's not meant to put pressure on you.
I know you're serious about this so forget the shame in losing the plot and get back here. *smile* *hug*
Blessings
Wow, many of these thoughts you just shared have been my own so many times. I have been overweight my entire like and have gone up and down with diets but I have always gone back to food because its comforting to me. I am hoping that this time I am losing weight for real and I won't go back like I have many times before. I don't have any words of wisdom or advice, just wanted you to know that I understand where you are at and believe you will get out of your ditch.
Oh my. I have been where you are, girl. I can't offer any words of wisdom other than hang in there and do your best to get back on track-maybe with just one thing. It is easy to be overwhelmed and just want to chuck it all.
ONe step at a time-and even baby steps count!
Someone in central PA is thinking about you, my friend!
wintesseOh honey...... There are so many of us in that same ditch that's filling with water right beside you. Just glad you are blogging and we will all get out of this ditch and back on that wagon right quick!
Hugs
Megan
We are with you, in spirit. I wish we could give you a hug and somehow have the right answers, but as you might guess, we all fall into these ditches as well.
I am on this path also...I'm only about two months in, but feel energized by it.
What about this? Tomorrow, add the calories of everything you eat. Try to stick to 2,000 calories. Be disciplined, just for tomorrow. Then, blog about it and tell us how you did. We'd love to encourage you or hear about it.
Do one thing. Our weight loss journeys can seem so long, frustrating and overwhelming, but if you pick one thing to do consistently, day in and day out, you have a positive to hold onto. When i started back to Weight Watchers for the upteenth millionth time on Oct. 31, 2007, I made one promise to myself. i would always go to meetings every week. I have kept that promise and it's paid off in a big way. After 2 1/2 years, I'm down 96 pounds. Although, I might be the slowest loser in the universe, that promise I made to myself keeps me going through all the weeks when I don't lose.
I know you can do this. Don't get bogged down by the fact that you've gained some weight back. Just pick something positive to do this week and get on the scale to see where you are.
You CAN in fact do this...maybe you shouldn't think of it as starting over. Perhaps you took a long stumble and are now moving on.
Good for you for not giving in to the temptation to just accept the fat as unavoidable!
I'm with you!
I started over today. We will do it together.
You've taken the first step and have been honest about where you're at now. And let me tell you- I'm RIGHT there with you. Completely. We can all do this together.
I'm also in the same boat where I can't identify a reason on why I'm fat. I just am. And like you, I am NOT going to take it lying down.
We can do it. Chin up. One step at a time.
I am so sorry for the way you are feeling but you can see how many others that share those same feelings. You know you can do this. You have proved it to your self with the weight you have lost.. Quit beating your self up and start again. One day at a time. You have no idea how many of us live our lives "one day at a time". Not just for weight but for soooo many reasons. You are not alone.. HUGS
I've been waiting to see you post again, too. So glad that you reached out...I would have been so sad had you just disappeared forever.
I'm usually shy about commenting on people's blogs, but I have to tell you, I started reading your blog probably somewhere around the time that I began reading weight loss blogs at all, after I started my own journey last July. I kept coming back, because there was something about you that inspired me. I liked your lists, hearing about your experiences. There was one post that really stuck with me...you talked about not wanting to lose what you gained. That was so powerful to me...it was something that I talked about with my husband, who was also struggling with his weight as well as alcoholism. I have to tell you, that statement alone made a difference in both our lives. When tempted to keep drinking, that statement alone reminded him how much better his life was without alcoholism, and for me, not to cheat or give up on my journey. He's no longer an alcoholic, and we've lost probably 160 pounds together in the last year. So thank you for that.
One thing struck me about what you wrote today. You talked about being in a deep dark funk. You talked about being addicted. A light kind of came on for me...Many addicts of any kind are self-medicating their unbalanced brain chemistry. My husband certainly was. He got checked out, now takes melatonin to sleep at night and Lexapro to control his previous anxiety issues, and he's never looked back. I also cut down on alcohol, take melatonin and a few different amino acids to treat my brain chemistry issues, including depression. Food no longer rules my world, though we've yet to prove long-term results. I also remember that
Zaababy talked about it all becoming so much easier when she started taking Wellbutrin. That was her turning point.
So, I wonder if it might help if you got checked up to see if your brain chemistry is normal? You can go so many routes, a naturopathic approach like me, or conventional, but it might be worth your while to just see if a doctor or naturopath thinks you could benefit from some treatment.
Anyways, whether or not this is helpful to you, I hope that you find your way, and I'm pulling for you. It's really great that you see the problem and are willing to step up and take stock, and I have faith that the changes will happen for you when you are truly ready.
Can't say much more than what everyone else said. I hope you get your inspiration back. Do NOT give up. I've been there, done that. KNow how it is. It'll come back... just move into it instead of waiting for it to come to you. Take it one day at a time and start today.
Everyone struggles. Sometimes you just have times in your life when for whatever reason, you need to wallow in the chocolate. There are a lot of chemical and hormonal effects to losing weight--that drive you to eat because honestly the human body likes to maintain the status quo. Don't hate on yourself for it!
I wish I had something to add that hadn't already been said but I don't. So I'll just give you some virtual ((HUGS)) and tell you I'm glad you're back and starting again. This is such a hard road and there's a lot of people supporting you..including me.
YOU. CAN. DO. THIS!!
You're definitely not alone... I can't think of someone who *hasn't* been there.
But the thing is, if you're like me, when I'm in the midst of this feeling, not much helps.
I don't know what me get out of that phase the last time, but I did get out.
You will too. I just know it.
((hugs))
I'm so glad you posted and wrote down your feelings. Weight loss for each of us is not just about exercising and eating right. Yes that is part of it of course, but the bigger and more important thing to understand is WHY we got this way in the first place. What lead us all to gain weight? It took me a LONG time to understand why. I needed help realizing it (professionals), but journaling has also helped. Blogging has helped, so you are on the right road girl. Once you figure out what has caused you to turn to food, you can tackle trying to not let it rule you in the future. For me it is when I'm bored and lonely. As a result I try to stay busy and social as much as I can. It has helped GREATLY! Now I'm not perfect, no one is and I still have a bunch of weight to lose myself, but I feel like I actually understand the why more and it's been very empowering. I wish you luck as you try to figure out your WHY and you know I"m just a click away if you need someone.
I am glad you are back to writing...keeping going!!!!! I am not sure if this will be encourging or not...these feeling, thoughts do not go away just because you get close to your goal. I have lost 215 punds and am 30 days away from surgery to remove a lot of excess skin....i am struggling just like you...eating poorly and making bad choices. You would think I should have this "under" control. I do not, but starting now, using you as my inspiration, I am taking back contol. Thank you!!!
Oh my goodness, I could have written this. Literally, these are words I've been thinking in my head but have been afraid to put to paper (keyboard, whatever!). I, like you, know HOW to lose weight, it's just getting myself to DO IT and stop letting food control me that I struggle immensely with. What the heck??? I wouldn't wish this kind of misery on anyone, but at least knowing that someone else feels as I do and is struggling like I am is comfort to me, knowing I'm not alone and I'm not some freak of nature that just can't do it. We're in the same boat, along with so many others. I know we can do this--WE CAN AND WE HAVE--we just need to. Bottom line. We need to and we have to. Let's do this together.
ps--email me anytime! teale.huff(at)gmail(dot)com
Never give up. You are sooo worth the effort to keep trying!
Take care.
One meal at a time, one day at a time. Perhaps if you didn't look at the big picture. Just plan to lose a pound one week. A pound the next and so on. Just little steps. There's no point in looking backwards, because success doesn't lie there.
[[HUG]]
Hey there! I have not commented in awhile and came across your sad post today. I feel for you and understand personally your obsession with food. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing either. Have you ever considered a more Raw or Vegan Plant Based diet? I switched to it about six months ago and can tell you that I am no even close to needing food or feeling so hungry all the time. I didn't even understand this concept of less protein and more plant based protein and lots of grains, fruits and vegetables would be a true appetite suppressant. Anyways check out The China Study and you will understand where I am coming from. This might be a savior for you :)
Great post. Getting your feelings out helps. I had lots of thoughts like this and constantly struggled. I finally sought help from having weight loss surgery. I had my surgery December 15. I'm down 78 lbs. so far. Surgery was never my first choice, but it's working. I'm glad I did it.
that blog sounds just like something i could have written. i too have struggled for as long as i can remember and really see myself as a food addict. i start and stop over and over again and the last 4 years have been the worse for me. please send me an email if you could use a buddy the3whans@yahoo.com im sure we could share stories as i think we have a lot in common
Well. After reading everyone else's comments the only thing left is to give you a big hug and half of my moon pie. Much love to you!!!
dont try to just accept it, because I can tell you from experience you never will. I told myself that for years and I never could accept where I was at. you deserve to be everything that you want. food is an addiction and its hard to break out of that. you will always be an addict, even when you reach your goal. I still struggle not to give in to my food demon 2 yrs after meeting my goal and I always will. the important fact is that you havent given up, and I dont think you want to either. so just keep going, keep doing what you need to do to succeed and you will.
I feel the same way! We can get through this, and there is hope. I started out at 349lb, and now weigh 252. i had gotten down to 229, but fell off the wagon after I got my first boyfriend at age 32. I totally empathize! maybe just work on the exercise thing, and slowly work in the diet changes. If we've been fat all our lives, why expect to be thin/stay thin so quickly? The fact that we are aware, and care is worth a lot!!! We will both get it together, forgive our mistakes, and keep moving forward! God bless!
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