Boy, have I got issues. When I first started this blog, I admitted to being an emotional eater. And honestly, if that were not a fact... I would not weigh over 300 pounds right now.
And now for the confessions. I have been off-track for weeks now. I've been eating everything in sight. I don't know how to get back on track. I'm scared. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm turning to food for comfort and I feel like I have totally lost control... again.
Last December, I weighed about 308 pounds. I had lost 60 pounds in the months prior to Christmas. And then in February of this year, we moved. We moved 600 miles from home... a place that I love. And I pretty much had no say in the matter. It was totally hubby's decision, and my opinion on the matter was not even considered. In fact, due to some circumstances that I can't even get into, he never even knew my opinion on the matter. And because I have old-fashioned values, I simply went along with his decision and "stood by my man."
And OMG... I have been miserable for the past 10 months! We live in a location that most people long to vacation in. We're 1 mile from the beach. It was 70 degrees and sunny today. And I hate it!
I have no friends here. I have no family here... except for my step-daughters and 3 step-grandchildren. And I really don't consider them to be family. We don't socialize, I barely know them, and they all have terrible issues of their own that I just can't deal with sometimes. Their problems and their efforts to manipulate their father just make me want to scream sometimes. It wasn't so bad when we lived 600 miles away. But now that we live in the same town, things can get crazy sometimes.
I came from a very small town in the mountains of PA. I loved it. I lived my entire life there up until 10 months ago. I am a country girl at heart. I do not like the city. I do not like driving in the city. I do not like the atmosphere in the city. I spend 99% of my time in our apartment. Hubby is the only person that I see 99% of the time. The only place I know how to get to is Walmart. It's about 2 miles away, and I can get there on back roads.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish so badly that we could move back to PA. I think about it a lot sometimes. But I can't tell my husband that. He started a business here. He hates the PA winters. I feel that it's my duty to support him and just grin and bear it. I can't even tell him how I feel because I know that it would just open up a can of worms. And I don't want to deal with that.
I started packing on the pounds as soon as we moved here. Then in August I got back on track. But ever since October, I have been on a downward spiral. My sister's visit stressed me out. My dad's birthday was in November. (He passed away in 2001.) I miss him like crazy, and being away from home made it even worse this year. My mom's birthday and the anniversary of her death are this month. The pain of that is so fresh... even though it happened 13 years ago. And... once again... being 600 miles from the place that I call "home" has made it worse.
The stress of starting a business has been unbelievable. I do all the bookwork for the business, as well as handling our personal bills, etc. The stress of that is driving me nuts. All I feel is stress and pressure from all of these things I've mentioned. And I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel as long as we live here. I don't think I am ever going to be happy here.
In PA, I had family and friends who I loved and who loved me. I had a job that got me out of the house. I drove anywhere I wanted to go. I had social outlets. I had a church and pastor that I loved. Here I have none of that. I am scared that the rest of my life is going to be miserable.
So... I've returned to old patterns and have been turning to food for comfort. When I'm lonely, I've been eating. When I'm sad, I've been eating. When I'm depressed, I've been eating. When I'm scared, I've been eating. When I've been depressed from gaining weight because I've been eating so much... I ate more. I am honestly afraid to step on the scale. I wouldn't be surprised if I had gained all the weight back that I lost in recent months. I am just so depressed that I almost don't even care anymore.
I feel like the only good thing in my life right now is that I love my husband, and he loves me. That's it. And sometimes because of the business and the stress that he's dealing with... I feel like our relationship isn't even as good as I would like... and that depresses me even more!
I feel like such a weenie for even writing this post. But honestly... you guys are the only friends that I have right now. This is the only outlet that I have to get all of these emotions and feelings out there. I'm writing this and posting it because I'm hoping that it will help me in some way.
And deep down, I know that things will get better. I know that I will get back on track and lose weight. I know that everything will work out. I know that. But it just can't happen soon enough.
So... please hang in there with me. Don't let my failures and feelings discourage you. I'm sorry to be a disappointment. I'm sorry for the lack of inspiration lately. And in spite of everything... I'm not giving up. I'm still persevering... through the good and the bad. Especially through the bad.
I just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for "listening."
(And, yes... I KNOW that over-eating is not making things better. It's adding to the problem. I totally know that.)