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I'm a chubby chick who recently turned 40... and I'm tired of being fat and miserable! Come along and share my journey to lose 200 pounds and gain a healthier and happier me by simply taking it one day at a time and doing the best that I can each day!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Day 110 - Issues and Confessions - 2nd Post of the Day

Boy, have I got issues. When I first started this blog, I admitted to being an emotional eater. And honestly, if that were not a fact... I would not weigh over 300 pounds right now.

And now for the confessions. I have been off-track for weeks now. I've been eating everything in sight. I don't know how to get back on track. I'm scared. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm turning to food for comfort and I feel like I have totally lost control... again.

Last December, I weighed about 308 pounds. I had lost 60 pounds in the months prior to Christmas. And then in February of this year, we moved. We moved 600 miles from home... a place that I love. And I pretty much had no say in the matter. It was totally hubby's decision, and my opinion on the matter was not even considered. In fact, due to some circumstances that I can't even get into, he never even knew my opinion on the matter. And because I have old-fashioned values, I simply went along with his decision and "stood by my man."

And OMG... I have been miserable for the past 10 months! We live in a location that most people long to vacation in. We're 1 mile from the beach. It was 70 degrees and sunny today. And I hate it!

I have no friends here. I have no family here... except for my step-daughters and 3 step-grandchildren. And I really don't consider them to be family. We don't socialize, I barely know them, and they all have terrible issues of their own that I just can't deal with sometimes. Their problems and their efforts to manipulate their father just make me want to scream sometimes. It wasn't so bad when we lived 600 miles away. But now that we live in the same town, things can get crazy sometimes.

I came from a very small town in the mountains of PA. I loved it. I lived my entire life there up until 10 months ago. I am a country girl at heart. I do not like the city. I do not like driving in the city. I do not like the atmosphere in the city. I spend 99% of my time in our apartment. Hubby is the only person that I see 99% of the time. The only place I know how to get to is Walmart. It's about 2 miles away, and I can get there on back roads.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish so badly that we could move back to PA. I think about it a lot sometimes. But I can't tell my husband that. He started a business here. He hates the PA winters. I feel that it's my duty to support him and just grin and bear it. I can't even tell him how I feel because I know that it would just open up a can of worms. And I don't want to deal with that.

I started packing on the pounds as soon as we moved here. Then in August I got back on track. But ever since October, I have been on a downward spiral. My sister's visit stressed me out. My dad's birthday was in November. (He passed away in 2001.) I miss him like crazy, and being away from home made it even worse this year. My mom's birthday and the anniversary of her death are this month. The pain of that is so fresh... even though it happened 13 years ago. And... once again... being 600 miles from the place that I call "home" has made it worse.

The stress of starting a business has been unbelievable. I do all the bookwork for the business, as well as handling our personal bills, etc. The stress of that is driving me nuts. All I feel is stress and pressure from all of these things I've mentioned. And I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel as long as we live here. I don't think I am ever going to be happy here.

In PA, I had family and friends who I loved and who loved me. I had a job that got me out of the house. I drove anywhere I wanted to go. I had social outlets. I had a church and pastor that I loved. Here I have none of that. I am scared that the rest of my life is going to be miserable.

So... I've returned to old patterns and have been turning to food for comfort. When I'm lonely, I've been eating. When I'm sad, I've been eating. When I'm depressed, I've been eating. When I'm scared, I've been eating. When I've been depressed from gaining weight because I've been eating so much... I ate more. I am honestly afraid to step on the scale. I wouldn't be surprised if I had gained all the weight back that I lost in recent months. I am just so depressed that I almost don't even care anymore.

I feel like the only good thing in my life right now is that I love my husband, and he loves me. That's it. And sometimes because of the business and the stress that he's dealing with... I feel like our relationship isn't even as good as I would like... and that depresses me even more!

I feel like such a weenie for even writing this post. But honestly... you guys are the only friends that I have right now. This is the only outlet that I have to get all of these emotions and feelings out there. I'm writing this and posting it because I'm hoping that it will help me in some way.

And deep down, I know that things will get better. I know that I will get back on track and lose weight. I know that everything will work out. I know that. But it just can't happen soon enough.

So... please hang in there with me. Don't let my failures and feelings discourage you. I'm sorry to be a disappointment. I'm sorry for the lack of inspiration lately. And in spite of everything... I'm not giving up. I'm still persevering... through the good and the bad. Especially through the bad.

I just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for "listening."

(And, yes... I KNOW that over-eating is not making things better. It's adding to the problem. I totally know that.)

(((((Blog Buddies)))))


Marie said...

Well, I guess I am the first one to comment. And you don't even know me!

The first thing I think of, is to try to meditate on Paul's statement, how he learned to be content in all circumstances.

Perhaps some others have some wisdom on how they do this. Myself, I concentrate on what I CAN do or have, not what I CAN'T (like Philadelphia, your dad, etc. in your case).

What CAN you have/do? I don't know. Maybe you love Masterpiece Theatre and can watch that every week. Maybe you love historical romance and can get some from the library every week. Maybe a particular coffee that's sold a couple of miles away, you could walk there once a week and back. Maybe you love dogs and can get one. Whatever these thing(s) are, I'd focus on those sort of things.

I sure hope my advice has some value to you.

Trish said...

Aww, hon, we love you for you, not for how much weight you've lost.


Hang in there sweetie.

Sonya said...

First of all you are not a disappointment.

I'm so sorry that you feel so down lately. I can only imagine how hard it has been for you the last 10months being away from your family and friends - especially as we head into the holiday season.

I wish I had some inspirational/ wise thing to say to you, but sadly I don't. All I can say is just hang in there.

I'm glad that you posted how you are feeling. You are human after all, and we can't be happy go lucky all the time. We all have our own ups and downs on this journey, but thank heaven's they are not at the same time! You have picked me up when I've been down, and now I'm going to try to pick you up.

You are a wonderful human being. I can just tell that from your writings and your comments in blog land. You need to get out there and meet new people. Don't deprive the world of your wonderful soul. Stop hiding in your apartment. People need to meet you. Let them know what they have been missing.
I know it's hard (trust me I know), but as soon as you make yourself known and make some friends hopefully the lonely feelings will somehow go away. I'm not saying it will happen overnight, but slowly perhaps they will soften.

Grumpy Chair said...

Hang in there.

You will get back on track when you are ready.

Savy said...

OK, if he LOVES you then he WILL LISTEN. It sounds to me that more than anything you have been eating so you won't speak. Even if it changes nothing, open that can of worms. Don't attack. Don't ask for anything but for him to listen, and tell him how you feel.

From what you said, I have a couple suggestions worth chewing on:

*Get someone else to do the bookkeeping and everything. If the business is doing well, he can hire someone.
*You go get a job out of the house.
*You need to find a church, even if it takes a couple of tries.
*You need to LET YOURSELF feel the way you do and stop appologising about it.

You are miserable, and you have an absolute RIGHT to feel that way. I have been in a similar situation to where you are now, and it was awful. It was then that I became obese for the same reasons. I realized I wasn't just comforting myself, but I was killing myself.

Do not let yourself get burried and put away like a "good little girl" - you have every right to the way you feel, and you deserve to be able to change it. It doesn't have to be an either or situation. Losing weight doesn't mean giving up ice cream, it means compromising with how often you can have it. Making your life better doesn't mean your husband has to give his situation up - it's about working together as the partners you agreed to be way back at the beginning. You have as much right as anyone else to feel the way you do, and to change it and expect help and support from the people around you to do so.

I wish I was near by, I'd pop in and drag you out with me! :) I live in a completely rual place too. No friends, no family, no neighbors actually... I had to learn how to make peace with myself, and to change things. It's part of why I went back to school. I have my art degree and studio, but I never left the house! I need more. So, I'm going to get it. You should too.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. Things may seem tough right now, but you can make things better. Why not do a little research and find a church and pastor that you like in your new town. I don't attend church myself, but I hear that it's a great place to make friends, and find people with similar interests. Maybe join a cooking class or a book club. I know its uncomfortable putting yourself out there to meet new people, but you'll start to feel much more social, and it will get easier every single time. If you try to get out there, and you make the effort every single day to try new things, I promise you'll get out of this slump. Get back on track today, this second. You are worth it!


Just Nancy said...

Oh, my! I am so with you. Two and a half years ago we moved from a Philadelphia suburb (I'm originally from northern PA - really in the sticks - 500 people in my home town) to Baton Rouge, LA. I like it here, but I don't have a lot of "close" friends. I started WW about 1 year and a half ago and went great guns for awhile but back slid until about the beginning of November. I really have been making an effort to get to my goal.

I recognize that I'm an emotional eater, too, so actually that helps because I know it so I'm a little more able to keep it under control.

I know you must have been crying when you wrote this post because I could feel your heart through it and I know exactly how I would be feeling, and I hurt for you.

My husband and I have moved four or five times since we got married, including moving to and from Germany in the space of two years. Moving is hard and it always makes me sad to leave friends. I still sometimes feel a little twinge of panic at the thought I may never live in PA again. My mother moved to Ohio from the town I grew up in last November and that hurt so much. I was all for the move; my brother lives in Ohio and neither one of us wanted Mom so far away because she lives alone, but to know that I never will have a good reason to visit my home town again, and she had the same phone number since I was in second grade! I couldn't believe the grief I went through, even down here, the day she closed on her house and said good-bye to PA. I miss the winters there although I don't like too much cold. Winter here doesn't feel like winter.

However, I want you to know that I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent with. I won't tell you it'll get better because you know it will.

Just know, you're not alone.

Nancy at weightlost.dreamhost.com

Heather said...

you are not a "weenie"! I can completely understand why youd feel that way. Your post reminded me of my mom.

My family moved from here (IL) to PA. My mom was so upset to leave everything that she knew (friends, me, other family, her job) and for a while she had such a hard time with the move. But I suggested to her to join Curves (and for you it could be anything) because at the time, i had joined and noticed there were a lot of ladies there that were her age. So she did and she met a few people there and now has coffee with them and works out a few days a week. That was just the start and little by little she has put herself out there.

Its hard, and sometimes scary to put yourself out there like that, but maybe it would help. I know that the emotional eating is probably completely stemming from this and maybe if you could find some patch of happiness in whatever, then you would be less focused on food.

Do you like crafts or do anything like that? My mom got involved in some things like that and is now selling some of her products for stores in the area. I guess the point Im trying to make is that if you just get involved in something you like, then maybe it could stem into a real opportunity or a good experience.

Goaledgirl said...

Lack on inspiration...you are crazy. You are full of inspiration. You pour your heart out and tell how you really feel and what you are going through. That is a huge inspiration to me. I wish I could pop in on you too. And I could suggest you try out a church you like or join a club of some kind (scrapbooking or something fun like that) that would get you out of the house. Maybe even Weight Watchers. But right now I just want to give you a hug. I hope things get better, but the holiday are a tough time.

I'm sorry for your hurt and pain from the loss of your parents. No matter how many years go by, you still miss them.

All I can say is to hang in there girl and take care of yourself.

MB said...

I am an emotional eater too and I don't have nearly the amount of stress you are dealing with (although I have more than my fair share).

You will get through this but you shoudl tell your husband how you feel. Get it off your chest and then try to embrace the new place. You'll feel better if you get out of the apartment and interact with people and know that we are all here to support you. Hang in there. It will get better. :)

Wallowgirl said...

Try not to feel so down. I know how you feel. I moved 2 years ago to where I currently am located. I hated it here. Due to the stress and the problems that occured within in my marriage because of the move, I gained about 20-25 pounds. My marriage almost fell apart earlier this year. Thankfully, we worked it out with communication. But I realized that in the long run, I am the only one that I can rely on. You have to come to the realization that you are worthy of whole lot better than what you have been feeling. I hope everyting works out. Try to focus on yourself and not everyone else. Good luck.

Christy Ann said...

Wow, that was in intense post! I wish I lived near you - or even in the same country, so I could be more supportive.

I haven't read everyone's comments, so I apologise in advance if I'm repeating anything they say.

One piece of advice: maybe you could do a course or night school. Find something you are interested in... cooking classes might be good. You could find some nice new, low-fat recipes!?

I know how hard it is though... But you will feel much better if you try to get "out and about".

Dee said...

Chubby, please don't beat yourself up about this. You've been through a lot and I completely understand how you must feel! I've moved countries myself and it takes a lot of time and effort to make new friends as an adult, in a new place!
Your blogging buddies have been making excellent suggestions of what you could try in order to meet people in your new town.

As for the weight, I am where you are. I've been 'off the wagon' for weeks now and I'm also scared to step on the scale. So let's not step on it for some more weeks! while we get our mojo back. You can and you will do this. I know it.

Twix said...

Awwww, sweetie, I feel for you. Being away from home can be difficult to say the least. You need to call me, :). Maybe we can help each other through the motivation stuff. You can do this, We can do this. I know we can!

Hanlie said...

Hi girl, I really feel for you. I love the advice that you've already received, so will just add my support. We love you and want to see you healthy and happy... You can beat yourself up over your new circumstances (being a nice girl you wouldn't want to beat up hubby, so you take your frustration out on yourself!) or you can this as an opportunity to grow, learn some new skills and build a new, different life. I know it's difficult for us fat people, because we feel so much "less-than", but confidence can be faked! After a while you'll start believing in yourself and you won't have to fake anymore.

You've got guts! Now use it! And I'm sure you'll find that when you are doing the right thing by yourself, that will lead to eating healthier again and finding the balance.

Good luck and many blessings!

A girl on a mission....100 pounds to go!!! said...

Hey there, why don't you try and adopt the attitude I'm going to have for the next few weeks till Xmas....do everything the OPPOSITE way you would normally do it...think oppositely- make yourself love the place you are, make yourself love your family (even though its testy at times), make yourself be accountable for the food your eating, make yourself get up and go for a walk- its the opposite. Drive yourself somewhere you never went before...do the opposite of just going to Walmart. Prove to yourself that doing the opposite....eating a healthy vegetable instead of eating chips, drinking a glass of water instead of a glass of diet soda, etc....all the opposites will push you face first towards your goal. I thought long and hard over the last few months about how I've failed...when I haven't really started....and by thinking negatively, eating poorly and wallowing in self-pity, I've allowed myself to go back to "that place"...where I said I'd never go. So I'm applying the law of "opposites"....hopefully, the scales will go in the opposite direction too!

Chin up.
Everything happens for a reason....hopefully your issues with your relationwhip will resolve themselves. If I could offer one piece of advice....talk, talk, talk and more talking with your spouse will help you work through things. Too long, I opted not to talk...and we ended up needing a third party counsellor to help us talk (although that's not a "bad thing"). You need to be open with him and let him know whats going on in your head- otherwise, you'll want to crawl inside yourself and never come out.
This inability to communicate and deal with things....will make you want to smother....and that in itself will help you self-destruct.

Shannon said...

(((((( CC )))))))

You are not discouraging and you are NOT a failure!!! This is a journey, a process. As long as you are still in the game, whether at the moment you are going forward or backward, you are not a failure. You are acknowledging what is going on and that is HUGE. Moving is hard. Starting over is hard. You are having to learn how to start over, and that is not eat. Especially when you are focussing on your weight loss at the same time. Seems to me that it would be incredably overwhelming!!! Not good for weight loss and emotional eaters!! You are trying and you are doing a great job. Keep smiling :) Have you tried to find a new church home? Maybe they would have some Women outings and such that you could connect with some people in. Just a suggestion. I really wish I lived a little bit closer!! How far from Atlanta are you?

Smile, we love you and are pulling for you!!!!

Dee said...

First off...this is your blog, for your thoughts and feelings. Don't ever apologize what you post on here!

As for the eating, you're aware of what you're doing, you will get back on track, you just have to find your mojo again!

As for your living situation. I'm going to give you some advice that you can take or leave. I've been in your situation, in a brand new city (however I was alone) 1000 miles from my home. My advise is GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!! I realize you don't like driving in the city, but that's where you live now, you just have to deal with it.

Think of something you would like to do. Whether it's go to the library, a movie, a museum a craft store whatever! Look up the address. Then, map it out. Write down exact instructions to yourself how to get there. Then...get in the car and drive! Don't worry if you make a wrong turn, take your map with you. You can always ask for directions! Just do it. Start with things near your home, then start looking for destinations a little farther away. You can do it! I promise!

john - from fat to fit said...

I have found inspiration in anyone who chooses to post heartfelt postings like this one, regardless of whether weight was gained or lost.

Carol said...

Wow! That is intense! That is exactly why I enjoy blogging, because it's a way to get out what we're REALLY feeling inside. Doesn't it feel good? Anyway, you have lots of good comments. The only thing I'll add is this: God did not put us on this place to be miserable. He wants us to be happy. You have to do your part by deciding what it is that will make you happy, then make a plan to achieve it. Having said that, please be aware that if you lost all your weight today, you would still be unhappy about all these other issues in your life. The weight loss isn't going to save you from that. So, it looks like the key to your weight loss is going to be to change things so you can be happy first.

honib1 said...

well i had written you a very long past and blogger decided to take a vacation.. lol so lets try agaon.. first off you are NEVER a dissapointment.. you are always an INSPIRATION.. you are in a difficult situation.. and its hard.. I would advise doing research GOOGLE your area.. find a church u like or an activity you want to try.. start small nearby and then expand out.. take it a step at a time.. YOU CAN DO THIS.. I think all your friends here are trying to point u in that direction.. if you need an extra listening ear.. email me at honib1@aol.com.. Hang in there..

exfatgirl said...

I didn't read all of the comments, so maybe someone has said this...

But it seems like a lot of the things going on are really out of your control... but your eating habits are totally controllable. You are the only one who makes your food choices. I know that it's hard... I would have never weighed 400 pounds if it wasn't hard to keep control over eating habits. But you have to find the strength inside. And, remember that eating never solves any problems, even if it makes you feel better for a tiny short time.

Leslie said...

You've received a lot of great advice already, but I just want to add my 2 cents :)

It takes TONS - and I mean a truckload - of courage to post your feelings like you did. It would be so easy to write happy and inspirational posts all the time... basically *pretend* to be the best weight loser out there, but you didn't. You poured out your feelings, and that takes major guts.

So, my advice is to take some of those guts and channel them into making some little changes. At the very least I think you need to sit down with your hubby and let him know how you're feeling. It sounds like you have a great relationship and he loves you very much. Telling him you're hating your circumstances right now will not change that. It's not fair to you (or him for that matter), for you to keep all your feelings to yourself. In the end you may start to resent him for *putting* you in this position and that wouldn't be fair if he didnt realize what you were going through.

I know how hard it is to get *out there* when you are overweight... hard enough I'm sure when you are slim, but the added feelings of everyone is judging you on your weight makes everythig much much harder. But you must do it. Even if it's just something to do on your own. I think the suggestion to join an all-women's gym would be great... go check one out - guaranteed you'll find people as big as you there....and probably some real life confidantes.

Things WILL NOT get better unless YOU take action. You're the only one who can do it - your happiness and/or unhappiness depends entirely on you. You're a strong person... just take baby steps and start participating in life again - i bet you'll be amazed at the support, people and satisfation you'll find.

BIG BIG HUGS - and remember, you have lots of people behind you cheering you on! :)

Teale said...

It seems as though everyone has said some pretty encouraging words. Just want you to know that I read, and I'm here for you!

Deidre said...

I understand about isolation. It's hard when you work from home. I"ve bounced around my whole life so I don't have that attachment to home but I know that when you had a whole support system and then you just have one person it puts a lot of strain on a relationship.

Everyone above has given great advice and the fact that you are still blogging means you haven't given up. This is in many ways the loneliest time of the year for many people (myself included).

Kendra said...

((((HUG))))) You got some great advice already and I don't think I could add anything else. You are most definitely an inspiration to me. Hang in there sweetie.

WeightBGone said...

You've gotten a lot of great feedback from everyone so I wont repeat whats already been said. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

You are and always have been an inspiration to me and so many others. Anytime you need to vent feel free to do so I am here to listen with an open heart and mind.

You are a wonderful person and I have faith things in your life will improve. Take care of you thats most important.

Jessie said...

I've never left a message before, but I've been reading about your weight loss journey for a while.

I didn't read what everyone else wrote, because I just want to say what I feel.

You have been such an inspiration to me. All of your posts are so motivational and I'm on my own weightloss journey (sort of). Checking your site everyday has given me a more positive outlook on reaching my goal.

I don't care if you lose another pound or if you've gained 100 pounds, I just want you to know your positive posts about staying vigilent and hanging in there and picking yourself back up after a bad couple of days have really touched me.

So, as corny as it may sound, you've brought something to my life that I've yet to find on the internet and that's positive reinforcement and a positive attitude. So thank you.

Teena said...

I've been off track for the last couple of months. Sigh ....

Amy said...

In case you haven't seen it: http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/

What I get most from your post is that it's easy to hide behind the weight issue and not let yourself focus on ANYTHING else that you can change. You might just find the motivation to enable some success in the weight loss (though maybe that's not the most important thing in life!) if you work on getting happy by going out and doing something or starting a project or one of the other things suggested here.

Set a goal, maybe doing one thing out of the house this week that's not WalMart. Maybe it's driving to the grocery (a different one!) or the post office or the library. Maybe just drive PAST those places so you know how to get there--you don't even have to go inside. A bit at a time you can get more comfortable with the new place and you can work your way up to trying a church if you're not ready for that.

Are there any chat groups online for your area? Maybe getting to know ppl online would encourage you to know there are others around you nearby and you might learn about something new to do in town, too!

Perhaps your husband would be willing to drive you both to a museum or park just to get out of the house?

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