Sunday, December 16, 2007
Day 1 - The First Day of the Rest of My Life
I started this blog exactly 4 months ago on August 16, 2007. In the past 4 months, I've lost a lot of weight, and... sadly... I've gained a lot of weight. It's been an emotional and physical roller coaster, to say the least. But I'm still here. And I'm not giving up. I am continuing to persevere.
I've reevaluated my goals. My first goal, at the weight of 368.4 lbs., was to lose exactly 200 pounds and reach 168.4 lbs. I've thought a lot about that, and I'm not sure that is a realistic weight for me. I probably haven't weighed that amount since 5th grade. When I was 13, I weighed around 200 pounds, and I didn't look bad. I looked normal. So my new goal is to reach 190 pounds. 190 seems much more attainable, and having that as my new goal seems to have lifted a huge burden from my shoulders.
That being said, as of today, for me to reach 190 pounds, I need to lose exactly 185 pounds. If you do the math, you can see that I now weigh 375 pounds. It's hard to type that number and actually see it staring back at me. I'm sad about that, because it reveals that I have gained back all the weight that I lost in the past 4 months, plus 6.6 pounds.
That's the bad news. The good news is... I actually had the courage to step on the scale and post my weight today. I'm not ignoring the weight gain, and I'm not surprised. I could tell that my clothes were fitting tighter, and I estimated that my weight was 370. So I was only 5 pounds off.
I'm recommitting to my lifestyle change today. I'm recommitting to losing this weight in a healthy manner. I'm recommitting to documenting my food intake with my FitDay Journal. I'm recommitting to Thursday weigh-ins. I'm recommitting to exercise.
But most importantly... I am committing to being kind to myself (thanks, Carol) and taking care of myself. I didn't say I was REcommitting to being kind to myself and taking care of myself, because I have never done that. I've always taken care of others and put my own health and feelings last. I can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore. I have got to lose this weight FOR ME. I deserve to be healthy and happy. I deserve to enjoy life at a healthy weight. I deserve to be the woman that I always wanted to be.
I've learned a lot over the past 4 months. I've discovered how easy it is to give in to behavior that sabotages my weight loss efforts. I've discovered just how closely linked my emotions and my eating habits are. I've discovered that to lose weight and keep it off... I have to deal with my emotional issues in a non-destructive manner. When I learn to do that on a daily basis, food won't even be an issue for me. I will view eating simply as what it is... a necessary function in order to sustain life... not life itself.
I've also learned how wonderful you all are. You've stood by me and supported me and encouraged me even when I failed and whined. You all never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So... today is IT... the first day of the rest of my life. As I wrote many months ago... "this lifestyle change is going to lead to only good things." I'm looking forward to those "good things." And I hope you'll all be here to share them with me.